


I Will Try To Fix You

by redroses100



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Decisions, Biting, Blow Jobs, Confessions, Confrontations, Depression, Feels, Fluff, Frottage, Kinda, Love i guess, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Oral Sex, Possibly Triggering, Proceed with caution, Self-Harm, Smut, dumb boys, hella feels, i guess, poor coping mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 07:51:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14807285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redroses100/pseuds/redroses100
Summary: Shizuo had an unparalleled sense of smell. He could scent out Izaya from several streets away. He could follow his smell to the very alley the miserable parasite was standing in. But for all his abilities and all the effort he put into it, he was never able to get in too close to Izaya.He definitely wasn’t expecting to be so dismayed when he eventually did.OR- the author is sad and needs to hurt the fave boys to make things be a little quieter in their head.





	I Will Try To Fix You

**Author's Note:**

> You know how writing things can be considered cathartic. Yeah, that's pretty much it.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING for self-harm, depression, and dumb boys who are bad at confronting each other.

Shizuo Heiwajima had an unparalleled sense of smell. It kicked in right around the same time as his other “monstrous” capabilities- as the flea liked to called them. But when people talked about him, they tended to only talk about his strength. The fact that he could smell Izaya half a city away was generally swept under the rug.

In fact some of the only times it got talked about was when Shinra took to mocking him about it.

“Gay.”

“Shut up.”

“I’m sorry, it’s just, so very gay!” Shinra cackled, earning himself glares from both Shizuo and Celty.

“Shinra, I swear to god.”

“Come on, you gotta know where I’m coming from. Smelling him from literally five streets away? That’s got homoerotic tension written all over it.” He insisted, clearly not concerned about his own health. Celty on the other hand was very concerned. She elected to try to lead the subject back to more stable grounds.

__[You have to admit that you are a bit obsessed with Izaya.]_ _

“I am not. I just don’t want the flea fucking around in my city.”

“Or walking casually through your city. Or picking up food from your city. Or visiting the friends he miraculously maintains in your city.” Shinra listed, ticking them off on his fingers. Shizuo growled low in his throat.

__[He has to have other reasons to come to Ikebukuro besides annoying you.]__ Celty summed up for her idiot boyfriend, who nodded in agreement.

“I doubt it.” Shizuo huffed. The doctor and Dullahan exchanged a long glance, but neither of them tried to change his mind. When Shizuo was set about something, that was all there was to it. He was even more stubborn than Izaya, especially when it came to the info broker himself.

Shizuo was convinced there was nothing in the world that could make him stop hating Izaya. So it only made sense to him to assume the worst. Nothing could be said to make him think otherwise.

And when he left Celty and Shinra’s later that evening, it only made sense for him to keep his eyes peeled for a wisp of black hair, or the signature fur of the flea’s hood. And when his nose prickled with the smell of disease, he was immediately stalking after the smell, a growl in his chest.

Shizuo had an unparalleled sense of smell. He could scent out Izaya from several streets away. He could follow his smell to the very alley the miserable parasite was standing in. But for all his abilities and all the effort he put into it, he was never able to get in too close to Izaya. The flea was always a step ahead- too quick even for Shizuo’s quick punches and quicker senses.

But now, staring down at his phone like he wasn’t seeing it, Izaya didn’t even seem to register Shizuo’s presence. He didn’t flinch when the beast of Ikebukuro stopped in the mouth of the alley. He didn’t glance up when the blond started towards him. Shizuo could almost reach out and touch Izaya by the time his wine colored eyes flicked up.

Shizuo never managed to get in close to Izaya, until now. But he definitely wasn’t expecting to be so dismayed when he did. The smell that hung around the flea was different up close. The rotting, foul air that he usually followed to track the info broker was different.

Instead of stale death, he smelled like fresh blood. Fresh blood, and panic.

Izaya jumped away from Shizuo, and the blond was too distracted by the ugly scent clinging to the flea to catch him. The raven swung up onto a dumpster and then jumped for a nearby fire escape. Shizuo watched him slip away from his grasp with a frown.

“Ah, Shizu-chan. It’s not very nice to sneak up on people.” Izaya leaned casually on the railing of the fire escape, smirking down at the glaring beast. He looked quite at ease, but Shizuo could tell that he was still primed and ready for an escape. If Shizuo tried to climb up after him, he’d be gone before the blond could blink. So he stuffed his hands in his pockets to try to look as casual as Izaya did.

“Who’s the lucky bastard who got a hit in on you?” He growled, irritation bubbling for both Izaya and himself. Why wasn’t it him? Why hadn’t Shizuo ever managed to beat Izaya? The flea reeked of blood and it wasn’t even because of him.

Izaya’s brow crumpled in obvious confusion, a deep frown settling over his face. “What?”

“You smell. Fuck that, you reek. If you’re bleeding you shouldn’t be lingering in an alley, just begging to get fucked up even more.” He fished out a cigarette while he talked, missing the shock that crossed Izaya’s face. By the time he looked up, the info broker had control of himself again, a very cold and clinical scowl on his face.

“Careful Shizu-chan. It almost sounds like you’re concerned for me.” He spat. Shizuo stared at him for a moment before laughing- a dry humorless laugh that was as good as a curse.

“Like I would ever be concerned for a worthless, disgusting insect like you.”

It was Izaya’s turn to scoff a mirthless laugh. “Of course you wouldn’t. Monsters don’t really feel, after all.” He muttered. Shizuo ground his teeth together, his fingers snapping the cigarette between them. He watched the crumpled thing fall lifeless to the ground and turned blazing eyes back up to the fire escape. But by then, Izaya was gone. He spotted the tail of the raven’s coat flipping over the top of the building, but he knew there was no way he’d ever catch him.

Shizuo had amazing senses. But they were never good enough to catch Izaya. He was half convinced it would take a real, honest monster to do that. Idly he thought about how much he’d hate himself if he became that monster, even if it meant getting his hands on Izaya finally.

At this point he wasn’t sure what the lesser of two evils was. He wasn’t sure if he’d care if he did know. Maybe that meant he was already on his way to becoming that monster.

With a scowl he dug out another cigarette and breathed in deep as he turned to continue home. Fuck Izaya Orihara. And fuck his disgusting, bitter smell. He hoped he never smelled it again.

///

Shizuo got his wish- but only for a week and a half. He didn’t realize he’d been thinking about it so much until he spied Izaya’s ratty, fur rimmed jacket from down the street. And then he remembered the bloody air in the alley that night. He remembered the irritation he’d felt that he wasn’t the cause. He remembered the careful way Izaya avoided talking about it by riling him up.

At the time he hadn’t seen that for what it was. But the next day while he was growling about it to Celty, she had been so concerned about the idea of Izaya smelling like blood, and that reminded Shizuo that he never got an answer.

Celty worried about everyone- even the flee- much to Shizuo’s annoyance. And her concern had evidently rubbed off on him over time.

Not that he was concerned about Izaya! Fuck that idea with something large and sand-papery. But he was intrigued. After his conversation with Celty, he’d found himself theorizing about the smell during slow moments of the day. Even sometimes while it wasn’t slow- like when he was punching a runaway debtor into a wall.

He imagined Izaya getting pushed around like that. He imagined him getting shot and stabbed. But none of that could be true- not if Izaya was bounding up a fire escape like he’d never had so much as a paper cut.

And then there was the fact that Izaya had smelled that way since the very first moment Shizuo laid eyes on him, back at Raijin. What kind of creepy motherfucker would smell so strongly of fresh blood that he’d leave a trail of diluted gore behind him for years? Figures it would be Izaya fucking Orihara.

But all of his theorizing and wondering didn’t give him the truth. All it did was make him more and more curious. More and more desperate to know.

Maybe that was why he kept his steps so calm and quiet. Maybe that was why he stayed so peaceful among the crowd that was headed towards the flea. Izaya was balancing on the edge of the sidewalk, one gust of wind away from stepping into the street. Not that he would go far. He’d have to walk around the shining black car parked in front of him to get to the actual street.

When he got closer, Shizuo could see Izaya’s lips moving ever so slightly, talking quietly with the figure next to him. The figure Shizuo had completely overlooked until he drew to a stop only a couple yards away. Neither of the two seemed to realize he was there, which was nice. The streams of people continued passing between them like a river between two banks. He might as well be on the opposite side of the street.

The man beside Izaya was almost as still as the info broker, hands tucked in his suit pockets, brown hair ruffling in the breeze. When he turned his face to glance down at the younger man beside him, Shizuo caught a glimpse of a scar near his eyebrow. He looked familiar in a distant way. Probably just someone Shizuo had seen around town.

The stranger turned back to stare out at traffic, but Shizuo saw his hand slip out of his pocket and into Izaya’s. When his hand retreated, Izaya nodded sharply, and the man stepped forward to open the car door. He climbed in without a backward glance at the raven, and the car drove away without hesitation. That’s when Shizuo decided to walk forward as well.

Izaya was still standing there, staring into the street like it was a favorite pastime of his. For all Shizuo knew- it could be. Weird fuck. But when he sensed the presence of someone behind him, the shorter man was quick to whip around, finding himself face to face with his archenemy.

Shizuo could see the panic plain on Izaya’s face in that moment. And he always thought that would be something he’d relish. But he was too busy reaching out to steady the startled info broker to really dwell on it. Being on the edge of the sidewalk, Shizuo could all but see the scene playing out if Izaya stepped back on instinct- like his body was obviously wanting to do.

His foot would fall for longer than he expected, throwing him further off balance. More than likely he’d go back hard on his ass, or head, into the street. With the traffic in this part of town, he could very well be hit before he managed to get up. Best case, he’d be bruised or dazed. Worst case, he could die in a splatter of guts under the wheels of a car. Which didn’t exactly sit well with Shizuo.

None of this happened though. The second he saw Izaya flinching back, feet getting dangerously close to the edge of the walkway, Shizuo reached out to grab him. His hand wrapped like a vice around the flea’s upper arm, and pulled. Instead of ending up sprawled in the street, Izaya found himself pressed to Shizuo’s chest.

He jerked back immediately, but Shizuo kept his grip firm on Izaya’s arm. As much as he wanted to just crush the bones under his hand, he made himself stay calm and only held on tight enough to keep the raven in his grasp. No tighter than that.

Which meant he was very confused by the pain lacing Izaya’s face. Given how flustered the info broker was, it wasn’t shocking that he was letting Shizuo see something so vulnerable. But as the seconds passed, the pain didn’t fade from his face. He squirmed and jerked at his arm, but Shizuo held fast, and Izaya cringed.

His jaw was obviously clenched, his lips pressed together, his brow bunched. All the little signs of pain that Shizuo had learned to recognize in people- due to his violent ways. But he’d never seen them on Izaya. Never.

He wanted the flea to knock it off. If he was trying to twist Shizuo’s sympathy or something, he’d kill the pathetic parasite! The blond squeezed harder on Izaya’s arm as his anger grew, but he immediately stopped when a hiss escaped between Izaya’s bared teeth.

Again the dark haired man tried to jerk away, but it only made the hiss taper to a low keen in his throat when he failed to slip away once more.

That was when Shizuo began to actually think.

Izaya’s smell was the same disgusting, bloody mess that he caught a quick scent of last time. Like this, pinned in place by Shizuo’s grip, it was easy to take a second and third sniff, but he was already sure. The flea reeked of blood, and was cringing like he was injured. A cringe so raw it had to be honest.

Was he really hurt? Was the blood that Shizuo smelled really from an open wound and not just some symbolic scent that fit the info broker like a glove?

“Hey, guys, come on.” A strong hand landed on Shizuo’s shoulder, the matching palm resting on his knuckles over Izaya’s arm. “Don’t do this in public.” Shizuo whipped his face to the side, both relieved and angry to see Kadota in that moment. He didn’t need the other man to interrupt! But he was almost glad he did.

“Kadota, he-” Shizuo started, but cut off when Izaya finally managed to yank out of Shizuo’s grip. The presence of their old classmate had allowed the blond to relax just enough for his grip to be broken. The raven was behind Kadota before Shizuo could snatch him again. “Shitty flea!” He yelled. Izaya glared icily at him over his rescuers shoulder.

“How creative, you protozoan monster. Maybe if you were smarter you could come up with better insults; and stop ruining the lives of the people around you. It would help us all out in the long run.” He snarled, more livid and passionate than normal. Shizuo would almost be impressed if he wasn’t so fucking angry.

“Hey, hey, calm down man.” Kadota insisted, blocking his line of sight to Izaya. By the time Shizuo moved to step around him, the raven was several shops away and still running. Too fast, yet again. Shizuo growled low in his throat, brimming with frustration.

“Damn it Kadota.”

“You’ll thank me for it someday.” Kadota sighed, patting his shoulder and continuing on down the street like nothing happened. Shizuo was left vibrating with rage, glaring after the slowly disappearing parasite. But the unsettling knowledge that Izaya was injured stayed with him long after he left his sight.

///

He shouldn’t care. The fact that Izaya was injured shouldn’t matter to Shizuo. If anything, he should be happy. But there he was, grinding his teeth together on Shinra’s couch, still thinking about it. Two days later and he was still fucking thinking about it. It was enough to make him want to strangle something.

He heard Shinra whispering to Celty, and the answering clack of keyboard keys, somewhere behind him. He knew they were talking about him, about his obsession with Izaya. At this point he didn’t care, because it was unfortunately true.

He couldn’t let it go. He couldn’t stop thinking about the look on Izaya’s face when he had squeezed his arm. He couldn’t get the tears that had gathered at the corners of the flea’s eyes out of his head. The whole thing was making Shizuo fucking miserable.

Maybe Izaya was just as miserable as he was. Maybe there was something seriously wrong. He shouldn’t care if there was, and maybe he didn’t necessarily __care__ so much as he just __needed__ to know. But either way, he felt the urge to storm over to Shinjuku and he was running out of patience to keep ignoring it.

He thought of the way Izaya had bit into his lip to try and cut off the shameful keen in his throat. And then he was standing and prowling over to Shinra, who shrank down in his seat like he was expecting to be beat.

“Give me your key to Izaya’s place.” Shizuo demanded. Shinra blinked.

“I don’t have a key to-”

“Don’t bullshit me Shinra!” The doctor glanced at Celty- who looked just as shocked even without a head. Then back to Shizuo- who was so irate you could practically feel the air rippling around him. And then he dug into his pockets and pulled out a ridiculous looking key ring that he somehow managed to keep straight enough to know immediately which key was Izaya’s.

“If you guys fight, at least bring him back here so I can look him over.” Shinra murmured hopefully. Shizuo nodded once, anything to get the bespectacled little freak to give him the key. The second it was pressed into his palm, he was gone.

His storm cloud of anger followed him all the way to Shinjuku. It stayed buzzing around his head as he climbed the stairs to Izaya’s floor- too impatient to wait for the elevator. It was almost impossible to use the borrowed key when he was shaking in rage, but he managed.

And then he was pushing open Izaya’s door and he was in his space and god everything smelled like that little shit! Everything was tainted with his reek.

Shizuo made himself push forward despite the disgust clenched like a fist in his stomach. He had to find Izaya, and he had to do it right. If he barged in shouting and stomping, Izaya would be gone in a second. At the very least, he would have the time to put up guards. He needed to surprise him again- like he did on the street. It was his only hope of seeing what was really going on.

It was difficult to control himself, especially here in Izaya’s home. Everything he passed made him want to destroy something. Every moment he had to breathe in the smell of the flea made him more agitated. And the scent only got stronger as he made his way upstairs.

It was strongest in the bedroom, but Izaya wasn’t there. Shizuo stood, puzzled, in the doorway for a long moment before he heard shuffling from the barely cracked bathroom door a few feet away. He took three deep, calming breaths and crept over to peer through the crack.

Shizuo was not prepared for what he saw.

His eyes traced the movement of Izaya’s hand in the reflection of the mirror the flea was facing. He followed the lines of his fingers to where they were wrapped around the handle of that stupid fucking knife he always had. And he watched as the edge of that knife cut into the skin at Izaya’s bicep.

Once, twice, three times. Izaya kept bringing the knife back to his skin, his face bizarrely calm as he looked down at the sight of his own blade in his own flesh. Shizuo felt sick watching it. He could actually feel his stomach turning.

Izaya finally glanced up from the lines he was making. Maybe it was out of instinct, or maybe it was just restlessness. But his wine colored eyes flicked up to the mirror, and immediately spotted Shizuo standing just beyond the crack in his doorway.

By the time the flea had whipped around to point the bloody point of his knife at Shizuo, he’d also pulled down the sleeve of his shirt. The cuts were hidden, but Shizuo could still smell them. Could see the way his black sleeve was slowly growing wet with blood. Fuck, it felt like Shizuo could smell every drop.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Izaya hissed, hand shaking around the knife he kept pointed at his enemy.

Shizuo pulled the door further open. No use pretending he wasn’t there. “What the fuck are __you__ doing?” He demanded in return. His eyes kept darting, almost compulsively, to Izaya’s left bicep. He wondered how many there were. Were there more on other parts of Izaya’s body? And was this the reason for his smell? Had he been doing this the whole time they’d known each other?

Izaya was a step beyond uncomfortable. He kept looking around for an escape and he became more and more frantic when he didn’t find one. Holding a weapon while being so shaken was a recipe for disaster, Shizuo knew that much.

It was that thought that had him darting forward to grab Izaya’s wrist. He jerked the informant forward, pulling him off balance. His other hand grabbed the front of Izaya’s shirt and he hooked his ankle behind the smaller man’s to wrench it out from under him and drive him to the ground.

Shizuo landed with his knees to either side of Izaya’s hips, his hands keeping a firm grip on the smaller man’s wrist and chest as he pinned him down against the floor. All it took to disarm the runt was one good crushing hit of his wrist to the tile- so hard it almost cracked both bone and stone. Izaya’s knife dropped out of his grasp and he yelped before he could stop himself.

“F-Fuck!” Izaya pulled his free hand back with the obvious intention to punch Shizuo. The action died when the blond moved his hand from Izaya’s chest to squeeze his bicep. Shizuo could feel how wet the material of his shirt had become as it soaked across his palm. And he could tell from the cry that burst from Izaya’s throat just how raw the pain was. “Stop!”

“I’ll stop when you fucking calm down!” Shizuo yelled back, watching the raven wriggle a little while longer before he finally fell still. There were tears in Izaya’s eyes by the time he fully settled. Shizuo had to fight himself not to squeeze tighter over the other man’s injuries. “You done?”

“Get off of me.” Izaya hissed, sounding exhausted. Shizuo kind of huffed a dry laugh.

His grip on Izaya’s arm loosened just enough for him to scrunch his hand up in the wet sleeve of his shirt instead of around flesh. And then he yanked down, the fabric tearing like tissue paper under his pull.

Izaya’s skin was smeared with blood, and more was still bubbling up from the six open slashes marring his flesh. There were dozen of scabs and countless scars beneath the crust of drying liquid as well. Glancing further down only revealed more and more scars. They reached all the way to his wrist, always hidden by that damn jacket the flea wore. But always there. Fuck. There were so many.

“What the fuck is this?” Shizuo growled, turning accusing eyes at the seething male beneath him. Izaya pasted on a smirk as sharp as his blade.

“Just bleeding the devil out of my soul, Shizu-chan.” He chirped.

“You wouldn’t have any soul left.” Izaya’s brittle grin dropped into a full out glare and he started writhing again, spitting curses and insults with every breath. Shizuo finally had to dig his thumb into one of the deeper cuts to make Izaya stop. And stop Izaya did, with a gasping sob and eyes shut tight to stop tears from falling.

“Stop- fuck it hurts!” He pleaded, his nails digging into Shizuo’s forearm where he managed to grab it.

“If it hurts, why the fuck are you doing it to yourself?!” The blond demanded, but eased the pressure off his thumb so Izaya could at least breathe without sobbing. He gave the flea a few moments to recover before shaking him a little. “Hey, you fucking heard me, why are you doing this?”

“Get fucked Shizu-chan.” Izaya rasped out, keeping his eyes closed tight. Shizuo growled.

“Are there more?” Only silence greeted him. Shizuo did not like being ignored- especially by such a shitty little parasite. He took it upon himself to find out, releasing Izaya’s wrist to tear at the other sleeve of his shirt. The raven’s indignant shout was lost on him as he took in all the scars littering Izaya’s right arm as well. But something else was concerning about it.

There was no sign of the scars stopping at Izaya’s shoulders. Hell, they could cover his whole chest. As soon as the thought struck him, Shizuo was reaching for the collar of the already ruined shirt. He wasn’t able to grab it though.

“Get off me you brute!” Izaya snapped, swiping at Shizuo suddenly. In his moment of disgusted focus, the blond had completely missed Izaya getting his hand back on his knife. And now he had to stumble away to prevent another wide slash to his chest.

“Fuck! I-za-ya-kun!” Shizuo growled, but by the time he looked up there was a knife pointed at his throat and a glare digging into his own.

“Get. Out.” It wasn’t a request. Shizuo knew if he failed to comply, he’d be just as bloody as Izaya was by the time he got out of there. He stood slowly, growling low in his chest the whole time. Izaya watched him coldly, following him up, keeping the knife level with the blond’s neck.

There were so many things he wanted to do. He wanted to strangle Izaya. He wanted to slap some sense into him. He wanted to know. Why the fuck was Izaya doing this? Why?

But he wasn’t going to get answers. Not while Izaya was looking at him like he was still on the defensive. An armed, cornered animal wouldn’t hesitate to lash out to protect itself, he knew. So he snarled one last time at the raven and turned on his heel to storm out. He half expected a knife to embed itself in his back as he went, but nothing happened.

Shizuo charged from Izaya’s apartment, filled with rage and adrenaline and confusion. This didn’t make any sense. He needed someone to explain it to him. And as far as he knew, there was only one person who might be able to do that.

///

“Slow down- I can’t- Shizuo-” Shinra sighed as Shizuo just continued to talk over him. He glanced towards Celty, who was pacing back and forth with nervous energy. She’d been doing it ever since Shizuo had stormed back into their apartment and started shouting about Izaya and cutting and blood.

It made no sense, when it came out so jumbled and charged with fury. But try as he might, Shinra just couldn’t get the blond to shut up long enough to get the full story out of him.

Still, let it not be said that Shinra was a fool. He had his own fair share of deduction skills. And he was pretty sure he knew what was wrong.

“Shizuo!” He finally shouted, almost shocked when the debt collector abruptly stalled and snapped his head towards him. Celty too froze mid pace and shot her full attention to the doctor. “Thank you. Now, I’m assuming from what little I can piece together, that you saw Izaya engaging in his self-injury.”

Shizuo’s face dropped abruptly to shock before burning right back up to anger. “You knew?”

“I’ve know Izaya since middle school, almost as long as I’ve had aspirations of becoming a doctor. It was pretty inevitable that I would find out.” Shinra waved his hand dismissively. His mouth was open to continue talking when he found himself dragged to his feet by the fist clenched in his shirt.

“Shinra, what the fuck! How can you just let him do that?!” Shizuo roared in the doctor’s face, only growing angrier when Shinra remained calm.

“Izaya is his own person, a very willful person at that. Even when we were kids I knew better than to try to make him stop. He’d get worse just on principle.” He sounded the opposite of concerned. “Besides, he’s been doing it for long enough to know his limits.”

“Limits? He’s fucking cutting into his skin, Shinra! All the fuck over himself! If he had any limits, he’s long since crossed them!” Shinra’s head cocked to the side, the only sign that he wasn’t perfectly at ease with this whole thing.

“You almost sound like you’re concerned for him.”

Shizuo abruptly dropped the bespectacled man, like he’d physically burned him with his words. Celty lurched forward to make sure they were both alright. Shinra waved her away, straightening his coat.

“Why the fuck would I be concerned for Izaya?” Shizuo growled under his breath. Shinra smiled peacefully.

“You tell me, Shizuo.” He let his friend fume for almost a full minute before going on. “Maybe you’re just angry that he beat you to the punch.” He suggested, earning a confused look from the blond. “Then again, maybe you never really wanted to punch him to begin with. You know, because you’re super closeted gay for him.”

“Fuck you.” Shizuo snarled. Shinra only shrugged.

“I calls it like I sees it.” The debt collector could only glare for the longest moment. And when that didn’t help him calm down at all, he charged from their apartment to avoid breaking something. Or someone.

He didn’t know why he was so damn upset about this mess with Izaya, but he knew one thing at least. It was not because he was concerned for him. He did not like Izaya Orihara. Never had, and never would.

///

“I didn’t think you’d actually come.” Shizuo blinked up at the unimpressed face of Namie Yagiri. She studied him for a long moment before taking the seat across from him. He offered her the coffee he ordered on her behalf, and was even more surprised when she accepted it. She didn’t drink it, but she did hold it between her hands possessively.

“Well I’m here.” She stated needlessly. It was clear she was doubting her decision as she sat there, watching him warily. He returned the level gaze, trying to figure out if she was going to take after her boss and send knives flying at him any second.

The longer they sat, the less likely it seemed. But Shizuo stayed on edge, as uncomfortable with her presence as she surely was with his. Finally Namie sighed and rolled her icy eyes. “Are you going to start talking eventually?”

Shizuo jerked like she’d reached out and slapped him. But he nodded all the same, frowning as he fiddled with his already drained coffee cup. “It’s about Izaya.”

“I know.” She drawled immediately.

Shizuo blinked, caught off guard yet again. “You do?”

“Well we hardly have anything else in common. Not to mention the fact that he’s been ranting about you more than usual. He even changed the locks. Again. I can only assume this is your doing. So, what did you do?” She watched him intently. Shizuo felt like he was being dissected whenever she looked too long at him.

It was hard to say the words. With Shinra it had all come bubbling out, fueled by fresh anger and confusion. But he didn’t know Namie- not beyond her name and employment. He didn’t know how to just…talk to her.

In the end he spat it out, wanting to get it over with as fast possible. “I saw him cutting himself.”

“Oh, that.” 

Shizuo was silent. Whatever he had been expecting, it wasn’t that. “You knew too?” The frustration in his tone in no way effected her. She merely blinked and began turning the cup between her palms.

“‘Secretary’ is Izaya’s way of saying jack-of-all-trades wet nurse. I do his laundry, his shopping, I even patch him up now and then when Shinra isn’t available. Between all of that, it wasn’t hard to put it all together.”

“And you never tried to stop him?” Shizuo blurted it out before she could go on. One perfect eyebrow raised in what could almost be disbelief.

“I did. Many times.” Indignation lingered beneath the blunt tone she’d been using since she sat down. And like she was berating herself for showing even that small bit of emotion, Namie turned away from Shizuo with a little grimace. 

The blond wasn’t sure if he should say anything. Maybe apologize. But the secretary went on before he could figure anything out.

“Whenever I’d try to bring it up, he’d shut me out. Completely. Eventually I decided I’d rather make believe that everything was fine so that I could continue to keep an eye on him. It was the better alternative to letting him suffer alone because he was avoiding me and the topic.”

She pinned her gaze back on the debt collector, as if daring him to disagree with the option she chose. He nodded slowly, accepting her reasoning if not her choice. “It’s good you’re watching after him, at least.” He mumbled.

“He doesn’t do it every day, you know. Sometimes he lasts full weeks without doing it. But the longer he waits between relapses, the worse it is when it happens again.” Namie explained shortly.

“What triggers it? I mean, there has to be something. He can’t just be doing it for fun.”

There was that skeptical, raised eyebrow again. Shizuo tensed under her clinical gaze. “Forgive me for asking, but why do you care? Don’t you want to see Izaya in pain?”

Shizuo flinched back, feeling like she’d verbally stuck him again. “No!” A few heads turned their way and he made himself calm down enough to control his volume. “I hate him. Fuck, I hate him so much I want to scream most days. But, I don’t know, it feels wrong to imagine him hurting himself like that. I don’t…I’m not sure why. It’s stupid, it’s-”

“Human.” His head snapped up to Namie immediately. She was looking at him, but the way she was looking at him had changed. It wasn’t something he could put words to, but he knew she was seeing him differently now. “It’s very human, to think that way.” She added, finally taking a sip of coffee.

“I want you to help me.” It came out with far less tact than he intended. She paused in the middle of her sip.

“I already told you, he shuts me out when I-”

“Not like that. Just, you’re closer to him on a daily basis than everyone else in Ikebukuro and Shinjuku combined. You have to know something that can make him listen. Anything, even-”

“Shiki Haruya.” He blinked a few times, and Namie took the silence as her cue to continue. “If there’s anyone in this whole damn country he’ll listen to, it’s Shiki-san. I’ll give you his contact information. But that’s all I can do.”

“I understand.” He nodded, leaning forward intently. He watched with rapt attention as she copied down a number and address on the nearest napkin.

“I do want it to stop, you know. Say what you will about Izaya, and most of it will be true. He’s stubborn and antagonistic and irritating. But he’s the closest thing to a friend I’ve ever had. I’ve become fond of him in some sick way. I’d like it if he stopped.” She admitted. Shizuo swallowed thickly.

“Yeah, I want it to stop too.” Even if he was still at a loss as to why. Maybe it __was__ just his human nature acting up.

How ironic, that it was Izaya who was making him act more human. He’d be pissed if he knew. And that gave Shizuo a lot of joy.

///

“This is unexpected, Heiwajima-san. I wasn’t aware you even knew about our organization.” Shiki Haruya certainly seemed like someone who could intimidate Izaya. He had the feline grace, the utter air of authority, and the cold gaze that Izaya had been clinging to ever since high school. But he also had this clinical calm about him that put even Namie to shame. He looked like the human version of a blade made of ice.

He was also startlingly familiar when Shizuo sat down across from him. He realized at once where he’d seen the older man. It was only a week ago that he’d watched him and Izaya speaking at the edge of the street.

So this was Izaya’s regular business partner. He supposed that explained a lot.

“I didn’t. I don’t.” He cringed awkwardly, already eager to call this a day and get the fuck out. But he made himself stay put. He had to. “I’m not here because of your organization- I couldn’t care less about it to be honest. I’m here about Izaya Orihara.”

Shiki hummed a little, leaning back in his seat and crossing his legs. “This is quite unusual for me. Normally when I want to know something about someone, I go to Izaya. This is the first time someone has come to me wanting to know about him.”

“It’s not that I want to know about him- I know plenty. Too much.” The ‘too much’ he mentioned was on the tip of Shizuo’s tongue. It almost slipped out. But one of Shiki’s men moved out of the corner of his eye and Shizuo suddenly remembered he and Shiki were surrounded by a dozen men who may or may not be thrilled to hear about Izaya’s weaknesses.

Shiki watched the way his guest glanced around, obviously paranoid, and sighed through his nose. “Give us a minute.” He ordered of his men. They all kind of puttered around, some looking unwilling to leave their boss with the monster of Ikebukuro. But in the end they cleared out and left the two alone.

“Thank you.” Shizuo rumbled.

“I know what the need for discretion looks like.” Shiki acknowledged, gesturing for the blond to start explaining himself.

It was even harder for Shizuo to talk to Shiki about Izaya’s problem. He ended up repeating a lot of things, stumbling over some of them after the third time. But finally he spit it out just as he had with Namie. And just like with Namie, Shiki didn’t exactly look surprised.

“I see.”

“Did you know?” Did everyone in fucking Tokyo know before Shizuo?

“No, I never suspected Orihara-kun to be the type to self injure. Although, I don’t have a hard time believing it. He’s volatile at the best of times with no regard for his own safety or that of those surrounding him.” Shiki listed, sounding incredibly bored by the whole thing.

Shizuo felt anger building at the banal tone, but something stopped his rage from reaching critical levels. Maybe it was the way the older man’s knuckles were white from his grip on his seat. Or maybe it was the way he was obviously clenching his teeth as he sat staring just to the side of Shizuo. Whatever it was, something about Shiki was telling the blond that this was just a mask, not the real man.

“His secretary said that out of everyone in Ikebukuro, you’re the only person Izaya might listen to if you told him to stop.” Shizuo couldn’t help but to sound hopeful. Only for that hope to crash and burn when Shiki chuckled dryly and looked at him with something like pity.

“She’s sorely misinformed. At one point in time Orihara-kun may have felt intimidated by me, but that was years ago. He’s too used to me now. In fact, I think he takes pleasure in tormenting me almost as much as he does you.” He sighed, sounding like an exasperated parent. Shizuo wilted in his seat.

“I see.” He mumbled.

“There are consequences I can give him though. I am the one who gave him most of his connections, it would be very easy to take them away. And once I took back that portion of his web, his other clients would no doubt do the same.” Shiki suggested.

“What would that do exactly?” The blond had to have looked as confused as he felt- which was probably the only reason Shiki didn’t get offended by the blunt question.

“It would effectively end his career as an informant. Which, as I understand it, is one of the only thing he takes pride in. He would have to choose between continuing his… _ _habit__ and continuing to work in Tokyo.”

There was something unbearably unsettling about Shiki, especially in that moment. Shizuo wasn’t sure if he actually shivered or if it was just in his mind, but either way, he definitely did not want to end up on Shiki’s bad side.

“Um, I think that might drive him off the deep end, ya know? It might be a good idea to leave that as a last resort.” Shiki nodded, though with his nearly impenetrable mask in place, there was no way Shizuo could know how he felt about the rejection of his idea. “But thank you. You’re the first person I’ve talked with who’s been willing to do something about it.”

“I may find Orihara-kun somewhat tempestuous and meddling, but he is a valuable ally. And beneath his pettiness and anger, he’s a brilliant strategist with core values that he stands by no matter what. I admire that. It would be a waste to see such potential vanish.”

It was Shizuo’s turn to silently nod- though for him it was solely because he had no idea what to say.

“I’ll give you my personal contact information, if you decide he gets to the point where a last resort is needed.” He extended a card to the blond, who robotically accepted it, tucking it into his wallet at once.

“Thank you.” He bowed his head respectfully.

“Good luck, Heiwajima-san. I think you’re going to need it.”

As Shizuo stood and made his way out of the Yakuza stronghold, he feared that Shiki was right. He’d rather face a hundred buildings filled to the brim with gangsters before facing Izaya again.

But he was out of options now. Shinra, Namie, Shiki- all of them were busts. And he didn’t want to involve Izaya’s family in this- especially since he didn’t think they’d really help if he did. Even if they tried to help, Izaya would never see it that way.

Which meant he was pretty much exactly where he started, just with a worst case scenario planned out. He hoped it didn’t come to that. As much as he couldn’t stand the flea, he didn’t want to ruin Izaya. Hell, that was what he was trying to prevent by getting involved in this.

Fuck if he knew why, but he wanted to help the shithead, not fuck him over.

Not that Izaya would see much of a difference between the two.

///

Shizuo hesitated for a few weeks before he called Namie again, this time to ask a favor of the secretary. He needed to get back into Izaya’s apartment- since the little flea hadn’t been running around his city for nearly a month. How was he supposed to confront Izaya if he never saw him? He didn’t have any other choice.

Namie was hesitant, and rightfully so, but eventually agreed when Shizuo promised he wouldn’t hurt Izaya. And more importantly, he was set on forcing Izaya to stop hurting himself. That was what really sold the secretary.

So they met up after she got off work on a Friday and she gave him the key to the new locks Izaya had installed. There was obvious distrust in her eyes, but also a small shine of hope. She clung to that little sliver of hope as she walked away, feeling nervous for her employer and for Shizuo.

Shizuo lingered at the little cafe for another hour before he couldn’t keep himself still any longer. It was the idea that his delay could be giving Izaya more time to hurt himself that finally brought him to his feet. He all but ran to Shinjuku, and up the many flights of stairs to Izaya’s apartment.

He hesitated at Izaya’s door again, unlocking it slowly and taking a big deep breath of the fresh air in the hallway before opening it.

Shizuo knew immediately where Izaya would be. The nauseating smell of blood was strong, which meant that Izaya was indeed hurting himself. When that thought clicked, Shizuo was racing upstairs without a second thought.

He all but threw open the informant’s bedroom door, eyes going immediately to the bathroom, and the shocked raven within. Izaya was staring at him in the mirror, attention fully grabbed by the sudden appearance of his enemy. His hand hung in the air, the knife in his fingers barely staying in his lax grip. A drop of blood rolled off the sharp edge. Shizuo watched it fall, and rage filled his gut.

The Monster of Ikebukuro was charging forward before he could think about it. Golden eyes locked on wine red, which widened with realization a bit too late. By the time he whipped around, knife ready, Shizuo was there.

Izaya tried to swipe at him. Shizuo grabbed his wrist and twisted, so hard that the raven went to his knees just to move some of the force from his fragile joint through the rest of his body instead. A shout lodged in his throat, turning into an indignant growl instead. Not that Shizuo heard the difference.

He was more concerned with prying the informant’s fingers off the handle of his knife. He threw it across the room, took pleasure in the way it embedded itself in the wall instead of in Izaya’s skin. The thought brought red back to his vision, and savage strength to the fingers that gripped Izaya’s hair to jerk his head back.

“This is how it’s going to be Izaya. You’re going to tell me what I want to fucking know. And I’m not fucking leaving until you do. It’s up to you how… uncomfortable things get for you in the meantime.” He hissed, leaving no room for argument.

But of course, he wouldn’t really be Izaya if he didn’t argue. His free hand clawed at Shizuo’s fist in his hair, while his face twisted into a sneer. “I’m not telling you something that’s none of your business, Shizu-chan. I’m not in the habit of giving away information for free, anyway.”

A growl rumbled from Shizuo’s chest. He clenched his fist tighter, dragged Izaya’s head back further until he arched back over his twisted arm. The shriek it drove from his lips gave Shizuo no pleasure. Not like he always imagined it would.

“Did it sound like I was asking? Fucking tell me. Why are you hurting yourself? Why are you cutting your own skin?”

His eyes darted down, towards the bare thighs he’d only briefly looked over when he arrived. The fresh cuts were numerous- at least five on each leg. But the scars were easily ten times that. Shizuo hated each one.

“How fucking long?”

This at least, Izaya seemed willing to answer. But only because he was desperate to relieve some of the stress Shizuo was currently putting on his body. “Before you ever met me. See? None of your business. No need for misplaced feelings of guilt.”

“You think I feel fucking guilty?” Shizuo scoffed a laugh that was so humorless it was more like a sneer.

“Why else would you be here? Or maybe you’re just angry I’ve beaten myself more thoroughly than your inadequate ass ever could.”

Shizuo channeled most of his anger into the knee he drove into Izaya’s back, shoving the informant into the floor so hard he heard ribs creaking under the strain. The raven whined like a wounded animal, trying to keep his knees or hands beneath him to cushion himself somewhat. But he wasn’t nearly strong enough to push away from the ground. Not when Shizuo was bearing down on him with all of his rage.

“You’re gonna stop.” The blond hissed into Izaya’s ear. His terrible grip in silky black hair prevented the smaller man from turning away from the grating noise. But Izaya ignored it anyways. Ignored the debt collector completely. “Fucking listen to me!”

Shizuo was twisting his hand, wrenching the raven’s wrist into a painful angle that drove a sharp gasp from the body pressed down beneath his. With a grimace, the blond forced himself to back off a little. If he kept up with this, he was going to end up hurting Izaya just as bad- or worse- than the informant was already hurt. And that was the opposite of what he wanted. The opposite of what he promised to do.

With a growl, Shizuo pulled back from Izaya, but only enough to turn the smaller man to his back so that he at least wasn’t suffocating. The blond didn’t let go of his wrist, and he was quick to gather the other one as well in a single strong palm.

Izaya whined at the hold, but looked resigned to it. And he didn’t fight. He didn’t do anything besides look to the side and avoid acknowledging the situation in general.

Which Shizuo was not going to let him get away with, of course. He wasn’t Namie. He wasn’t Izaya’s friend. And he definitely wasn’t patient. He had no time for this petty, childish bullshit.

Shizuo grabbed the raven by his jaw, forced his face forward. But he couldn’t really force Izaya to make eye contact, as much as he tried. And it only made his anger boil hotter.

“You’re such a fucking piece of shit! I’m trying to help you, asshole!”

It was Izaya’s turn to laugh mirthlessly- although his cackle was decidedly manic. It was an almost terrifying sound. “Help me? You, help a miserable, blood sucking flea? Sounds fake, but okay.”

“I am!” Shizuo insisted bitterly. The very fact that he was having to justify himself to Izaya felt like nails down his mental chalkboard. He hated the disgusting need for validation from the shitty man beneath him.

“You hate me, Shizu-chan! The only reason you’re so upset right now is because I beat you to the punch! Just like you said in that alley a few weeks back. Some lucky bastard got to me before you could. Just so happens, I’m the lucky-”

“Shut the fuck up!” It snarled from his lips at the same moment he moved his hand to cover Izaya’s. “Don’t you ever get tired of trying to piss people off? Don’t you ever think about telling the truth? Even once?”

Crimson eyes blinked at him, giving him an answer without a word passing Izaya’s lips. No. No, he’d never voluntarily tell the truth- especially to Shizuo. Especially when the blond was bearing down on him so hard in expectation of the truth. The more insistent he got, the more Izaya would resist, he was certain of it.

With a sigh that felt like defeat, Shizuo slumped over to press his forehead to Izaya’s. The raven squawked a little beneath the palm on his mouth, wriggling uncomfortably.

“I can’t…can’t let you keep doing this Izaya. I…need you to stop.” The honesty burned like acid in his throat. And it didn’t stop with him- it stung the raven in his grasp as well. Izaya cringed, flicking his eyes to the side. Slowly, Shizuo pulled his hand away from his lips, but kept it curled around the flea’s jaw just in case.

“Your opinion doesn’t exactly mean much to me. Especially since this has nothing to do with you Shizuo.”

“If it’s nothing to do with me, what is it to do with?” He immediately demanded. He could see a refusal on Izaya’s lips. The blond prepared himself for the dismissal. Which made it all the more surprising when he heard Izaya’s weak sigh.

“I know mental illness isn’t exactly talked about in Japan, but I’d think in this situation it’s pretty obviously the culprit.” Shizuo sat up a bit more, putting some space between them, but still keeping hold of Izaya.

“Mental illness…like depression?” He asked, feeling stupid for not knowing more about the subject.

He knew that when he was young, a few doctors had used the phrase when talking to his parents, but no one had ever explained it to him really. As far as he knew, depression was pretty common. Especially in Japan. But Izaya was right about the fact that it didn’t really get talked about.

“There’s way more to it than that.” Izaya huffed dismissively. “I wouldn’t expect a protozoan like you to understand the complexities of the human brain and all the ways it can be broken. But to keep things simple for you, yes, I’m depressed. My particular depression is genetic and extremely chronic. I’ve been dealing with it all my life.”

“You’re a shitty teacher.” Shizuo growled. Izaya huffed again.

“What do you want me to say? Do you want me to start listing all the hormones that are imbalanced in my body? Or perhaps the chemical makeup of said hormones?”

“How about you tell me how having depression justifies cutting yourself?” He hissed at the raven, who flinched again. For a moment Shizuo worried that he’d pissed Izaya off too much, and that he wouldn’t get anything else out of the flea. But the silence only lasted a minute before Izaya sighed.

“It’s a coping mechanism, okay? That’s how it started out. Stress relief. Surely you can understand having a destructive outlet, monster.” The raven sneered. Shizuo had to take a long, deep breath to refrain from breaking the fragile wrists in his grasp.

“What the fuck did you have to cope with, you little bitch? Was it because you were too handsome? Or got too good of grades? Or maybe life went a little too easily for you to bear? Was it just so perfect and peachy that you had to create something awful to fill up the time?” Shizuo growled, unloading so much so fast that it left him a little light headed.  

“Don’t fucking make assumptions about me- especially when you’re the one pinning me down and demanding answers you don’t deserve!” Izaya snarled right back.

“If you don’t want me to make assumptions, tell me the truth!”

“I am! Depression runs in my family and I’ve had it my whole life! Sometime around junior high it got bad enough that I needed a physical release, and this is what happened in the end!”

There was a ringing silence during which time Izaya began to look more and more nervous. Shizuo could tell the raven didn’t know what exactly prompted the silence, because he kept sneaking little peeks at the blond the longer it was quiet. And then he started to squirm.

Shizuo corralled him easily, with a low mutter of, “Did you say middle school?”

Izaya frowned. “So what if I did?”

“You’ve been doing this shit since middle school? Christ, you’re a grown ass adult, what the fuck Izaya?”

“I don’t expect you to understand! As monstrous as you are, you’ve always had people willing to help you through any hard times! Friends and family who would stay by your side no matter what! Even though you’re a reckless, dumb animal who can’t control himself- even if it means those he loves gets hurt- you still maintain loved ones!”

“Yeah, because I’m not an asshole who manipulates and torments anyone who gets within a dozen feet of him! Do you expect me to feel sorry for you because you can’t keep any friends? Really?”

“I would rather die than be pitied by the likes of you!” It was even harder for Shizuo to resist the urge to snap Izaya’s wrists this time. But he managed. Just barely.

“So you’re lonely or some shit? That’s why you still do this even though you’re an adult and should know better?”

“What? No!” Izaya immediately denied. Shizuo wasn’t sure he entirely believed him. But whatever. “If anything, I’m still doing it now because it’s a habit. A dependence, if you will.”

“Wow that sounds healthy.” Shizuo deadpanned. Izaya cut him a sharp glare.

“Like you have any room to lecture me on healthy coping mechanisms. How are the streets of Ikebukuro these days? Still nice and patchy? I’ve been hiding out here recently, haven’t seen it with my own eyes in a while.”

“I noticed.” Shizuo growled. “Avoiding your problems like the slippery shit you are.”

“What the fuck- you always tell me to stay the hell out of Ikebukuro. And for once I did, but you’ve come waltzing over to Shinjuku to tell me that I’m avoiding my problems by catering to your whims?”

“You’re not staying out of Ikebukuro because I told you to, you’re staying away because I saw through you for once and it scared you.” Shizuo accused harshly. The way Izaya blushed in embarrassment should give him some satisfaction. Instead he had to turn his face away from the annoying shit.

“I’m not afraid of you.” Izaya insisted.

“Not of my strength, but I do scare you.” He wasn’t sure if he was right or not. But the way Izaya flushed darker validated him. “Is it because I don’t buy into your lies? Is that why you hate me so much?”

“Don’t be so proud, you’re hardly the only person in Tokyo who’s seen through my lies.” The raven huffed, again with his nose in the air.

“Maybe, but how many of those others actually confront you about your lies?” Shizuo challenged. His answer was in Izaya’s silence. None of them. No one else would confront the raven- either because they were afraid to, or because they just didn’t care enough to.

Shizuo hated the flash of anger that thought sent through him. It wasn’t his fault that the flea was one of the most hated men in Japan! The fact that no one really cared about Izaya shouldn’t make him so angry! But then again, none of this should be making him so angry.

He shouldn’t care. Why the fuck did he care? And why the fuck was Izaya making it all so difficult for him? “Why won’t you stop?” He breathed aloud, letting at least one of his thoughts out.

“Stop what? Existing? Believe me, I’ve looked into it.” Izaya drawled. Shizuo growled in his chest, and nearly bit clean through his tongue trying to contain the noise.

“No, you little shit. The cutting, why won’t you stop cutting?”

Izaya sighed again, making it perfectly clear how tedious he found all of this. “I don’t see a reason to. I’m not sure why you think I should stop either. I’m not hurting anyone, just myself. Hell, I thought you’d be thrilled, if you ever found out.”

Deep breathing. He needed to do some deep, deep breathing and keep his cool. As much as he could, anyway. “I am not…thrilled.” He grunted.

Izaya scoffed. “Clearly. Do enlighten me, why exactly are you are you so put out? Why make this your business, when it’s really really not?”

Shizuo almost got whiplash, the tables turned so fast. The way Izaya was looking at him, so put out and so exasperated- it was annoying to say the least. But it was more annoying because he didn’t have an answer. Not a good one, in any case. “I…it doesn’t matter!”

“Bullshit! If you’re going to forcibly make yourself a part of this, you had better fucking tell me why!” The raven narrowed his eyes, his hands clenched tight with the strength of his irritation.

In response, Shizuo could only get more flustered. “Fuck, I just want you to stop, okay! Stop hurting yourself!”

“Why, because that’s your job?” Izaya spat.

“Wha- no!”

“Then why?!”

“Does it fucking matter?! Just fucking stop doing it!” Even Shizuo felt himself cringing at his poor evasion. Izaya practically bristled beneath him.

“Fuck you! It’s my body, I’ll do whatever I want to it!”

The most ridiculous feeling of possessiveness reared it’s ugly head in Shizuo. He wanted to snap at Izaya that he shouldn’t be allowed to have control of his body, if this was what he was using that control for!

It sounded creepy and stupid just as a passing thought in his head. There was no way he could actually say it. But then again, maybe he had to. Maybe it would be something Izaya would actually listen to. He certainly wasn’t listening to anything else Shizuo was saying.

“Maybe your body should be under new management then.”

“Excuse me?” Izaya drawled dryly.

“You’re not fucking taking care of it, so maybe I should.” Shizuo insisted, a bit more confident.

That confidence fled when Izaya started to laugh riotously. “If this is your way of coming onto me, Shizu-chan, your approach could use a little work. More flowers and less pinning me to the floor.” He snickered.

It was Shizuo’s turn to bristle. “Don’t be disgusting.” Honestly, Izaya’s mind was entirely too filthy.

But the flea’s smile faded quickly. And Shizuo was disturbed to find himself thinking of ways to get it back.

Before he could figure anything out, the raven was flicking his gaze away, a strange compliance falling over him. “Right. I almost forgot. You’d never come on to a disgusting parasite like me. I’m sorry to have insulted you so.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Shizuo growled, leaning down to invade Izaya’s space again. The info broker didn’t even flinch this time, maintaining his creepy cooperation.

“Ne, Shizu-chan, don’t you think you’ll get sick? Breathing the same diseased air as me? You should give yourself some safety space, don’t you think? Wouldn’t want to fall ill- AH!”

Without really thinking his plan through, Shizuo sank his teeth into Izaya’s neck to cut the flow of words from the informant’s tongue. Izaya squirmed, a little life returning to his heavy limbs. Shizuo licked the bite soothingly, not giving it anymore thought than he gave to the bite itself.

“You’re kinda giving me mixed signals here.” Izaya murmured, only the slightest waver in his tone.

“I told you to shut up.” Shizuo grumbled, picking a new patch of skin to pinch between his teeth. Izaya didn’t yell this time, but he did suck in a breath that made the muscle of his neck even tighter.

“Y-You’ve also told me that you’ll kill me, remember? That’s worked out great for you so far.” The unspoken, ‘Look at you now’ had Shizuo seeking new skin before he even had a chance to sooth the last bite. This one fell right above the collar of the raven’s ridiculous V-neck shirt. Izaya positively keened.

“Don’t you know how to be quiet?”

“Don’t you know how to withstand your beastly instincts? Or do you always try to win an argument by biting your opponent into submission?” Izaya hissed, arching and squirming as Shizuo’s hand crawled to the bottom of his shirt.

“No, just with you.” He mumbled dismissively, nipping at Izaya’s collarbone. His hand teased at the hem of the informant’s shirt, threatening to push it up. He could tell it was actually worrying Izaya. It made him even more curious about what he’d see if he uncovered the flea’s chest. How many scars did the fabric hide? How much pain was kept secret just a layer away from his view?

“How flattering. Now will you stop?” Izaya almost sounded pleading. If Shizuo wasn’t so preoccupied with his thoughts, he might have been able to appreciate that.

“Not until you agree to stop too.” Shizuo told the raven.

The bitter laugh he got in reply was pretty much all he expected at this point. “I don’t have to listen to you, Shizu-chan. It’s my body, and my choices.”

“Not anymore.” The blond all but purred, enjoying the red that crept down Izaya’s neck. It disappeared beneath the neck of his shirt, only egging Shizuo on more. Finally he started inching Izaya’s shirt up, revealing section by section of scarred, quivering skin.

Izaya was not pleased by this development. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?! And what the fuck does that mean, ‘not anymore’?!”

Shizuo was so entranced- and disgusted- by the mess Izaya had made of his belly that it took him a minute to process the indignant question. He took a moment more to bite down on Izaya’s sharp clavicle- to clear his head and form an answer.

“Your body is mine now. I’m sure I can treat it better than you ever would.” He muttered against the newest bite. Izaya groaned.

“Don’t be stupid. I don’t belong to anyone, especially not you.”

Shizuo nuzzled the newest imprint of teeth pressed into pale skin. “Ah, but I’ve marked you. I’ve marked you a lot.”

Another scoff, so deep Shizuo could feel it ruffling his hair. “I’ve marked myself more than you ever could.”

More than anything, it pissed him off that Izaya was right. There was no way he’d be able to catch up to the years and years of scars carved into fragile skin. But there was also no way he’d admit defeat just like that. “Give it time.”

A particularly hard bite to the straining muscle beneath Izaya’s collarbone drove a deliciously whiny moan from the raven. “That’s not a challenge! Don’t do that, Shizu-chan!”

“Fine. If you agree to stop cutting.”

“Fuck you!” Izaya snarled.

“That’s a ‘no’ then.” Shizuo could sense the sneer building in his captive’s throat. But whatever Izaya had planned to retaliate with, it died on his tongue when the blond ever so gently captured the informant’s nipple between his teeth and bit down with just enough pressure for Izaya to feel it. And he was definitely feeling it.

“Ah! Shizu-chan, don’t bite me there!” He insisted, eyes wide.

“Why not, I-za-ya-kun? Am I making you uncomfortable?”

“Obviously!”

Shizuo licked at the inflamed nipple, a smirk curling up the corners of his mouth at the little squeak that escaped Izaya’s mouth. “You know what makes me uncomfortable? The permanent reek of blood that follows you around. If only you’d stop that, then I could stop this.”

Izaya huffed, which turned into a whine when Shizuo pressed his teeth against his nipple again. “So petty!” He hissed. Shizuo chuckled around the swollen nub in his mouth. “I’m not going to stop just to appease you! If you don’t like my smell, leave! I promise, I won’t be in Ikebukuro anytime in the near future, so feel free to just completely forget about me!”

Yeah, that was fucking likely. “I’m not letting you pretend this didn’t happen, louse.” Shizuo dismissed dryly. He was surprised by how fast Izaya slumped against the floor again.

Even when he switched his attention to the raven’s other nipple, he didn’t get as much of a rise out of Izaya. Only a hiss, and the way the informant turned his face to hide from Shizuo.

“Shizu-chan still hasn’t told me why yet. Why so much concern for a lowly louse.” Izaya reminded the blond from where he tucked his face into the crook of his arm. Shizuo frowned, adjusting to hold one of Izaya’s wrists in either hand so he could bring his arms down to his side and prevent the info broker from hiding.

“Why do you keep bringing that up?” He asked.

“What, the desire for an explanation? It just seems pretty hypocritical for Shizu-chan to demand so much from me without being willing to answer me as well.” That was fair, he supposed. Not that he would admit it.

“Since when has anything been fair or equal between us?” He pointed out instead.

Izaya begrudgingly let that point go to Shizuo. “There’s certainly an imbalance of power right now. Not that you care, since you’re the one with the power.”

Oh but it felt good to hear Izaya admit that! A dark chuckle built in Shizuo’s chest as he bit down on Izaya’s side, over his ribs.

“Yeah, I do hold the power. And I’m not gonna let it go until you agree to stop hurting yourself!”

“Ah! N-No!”

With an almost fond sigh, Shizuo shrugged and shimmied down a little to sink his teeth lower on Izaya’s stomach.

And that was the moment he felt it. Pressing against his chest, and impossible to ignore. Although he suspected Izaya wanted nothing more than for him to overlook it. The vibrant red of his face told him that much.

“Oh, I get it. You’re not gonna give in to me, because you like this, don’t you? You like this little struggle. You like it when I bite you. Does it do it for you as well as the cutting?”

“N-No!” Izaya whimpered, shaking his head fitfully. “It’s not for pleasure. That’s not…no.”

Shizuo hummed, then bit the informant just on his hipbone. Izaya arched beneath him. “This wasn’t supposed to be for pleasure either. But of course you’d find a way to twist it into that.” He let his voice drawl heavily with patronizing, enjoying the way Izaya avoided meeting his eyes.

“It’s not my fault Shizu-chan is being so mean and biting me in sensual places, even after I told him not to.” He just couldn’t comprehend how cute the flea could actually manage to look when he pouted like that. It was incredible. And distressing.

Shizuo let go of one of Izaya’s wrists to grab the informant under his knee. He pushed the raven’s legs apart, settling between them. “Sensual places, huh? Like here?”

Izaya tried to push Shizuo’s face away from the inside of his thigh. But the blond was already latched on, sucking and biting at the skin just an inch from the crease of his hip- right over a particularly large scar.

And fuck, the way Izaya keened made Shizuo warm in embarrassing places too. Not that it was important to this at all. He definitely wasn’t doing any of this for the pleasure of it. He wasn’t Izaya, he didn’t get off to this. Not at all.

“Aah! Stop doing- stop biting me, if you’re so disgusted by me, stop!” There was an edge of desperation in Izaya’s tone- that definitely did not make Shizuo’s cock twitch in his pants. Nope.

“Who said I’m disgusted by this?” He pressed his palm against the bulge in Izaya’s underwear. Fuck, it felt like touching molten lava- the raven was fucking sweltering. “It’s the most honest reaction I’ve ever gotten from you.”

Izaya’s eyes were clenched shut, his teeth buried in the side of his free hand to try to prevent needy sounds from escaping under the pressure of Shizuo’s hand on his dick. A line of drool leaked from the corner of the raven’s lips. Shizuo felt the gross urge to lick it up.

“Shizu-chan stop teasing me…” Izaya pleaded around his own hand.

“Why should I? Will you stop hurting yourself if I do?” He challenged.

As delightfully mindless as Izaya was becoming, he still had enough wits to huff at the demand. Which Shizuo couldn’t help but to find endearing, in a way. “No.” Izaya stated, then gasped as Shizuo pulled his underwear down over shaking hips.

“Mmm, then I guess I can’t stop.” He purred, forgetting to keep the joy out of his tone.

“A-Ah- Shizu-chan is cruel to get me so worked up!” Izaya groaned, head thrown back at the first contact of Shizuo’s hand to his uncovered dick.

“Cruel…do you want me to stop, Izaya-kun?” He asked, almost managing to be coy. The raven could only sputter as Shizuo dragged his palm up the length of his hard flesh. “Izaya, do you want me to stop?” He repeated. A low whine filled the air. “Or maybe…do you want me to keep going?”

The whine turned into a full bodied whimper as Izaya grabbed at Shizuo’s shoulder. His fist curled into the blond’s shirt, and for once Shizuo didn’t get upset at the wrinkles that would inevitably form.

“P-Please…” Izaya mumbled, the shame of the request clear for Shizuo to hear.

“Please what?” The debt collector asked softly. He took one teasing lick across the head of Izaya’s dick, just to see what would happen. He wasn’t disappointed with the way the raven arched and dug his nails into his shoulder. “Tell me to stop, Izaya. Tell me now, before I can’t stop myself anymore.”

The only noise that left the informant was needy, breathy little moans. Nothing that sounded like a refusal. And when Shizuo went to pull away, Izaya’s hand instantly went to his blond hair to clench there and hold him in place.

A dark smirk crossed Shizuo’s face. He could tell from the shiver that raced through his prey that Izaya saw it too.

Shizuo licked lightly at the head of Izaya’s dick a few more times, until the raven seemed to be getting used to it. Only then did he seal his lips around the scalding flesh of his worst enemy. He couldn’t actually believe he was doing this. But the whole evening had been one big suspension of belief.

The hardest part to grasp was just how excited he was by Izaya’s slow descent into pleasure. He hated the flea, and always had! So why was he so eager to suck the flea off? Why was he lapping at his enemy’s cock with the kind of vehemence that could only come from genuine enjoyment? Was he enjoying this? Was he…into it?

Shizuo let go of the other captive wrist to palm his own erection, moaning around the dick in his mouth as he did. The noise that Izaya made in response to the vibrations of his throat was positively sinful. And it was hard to deny the effect it had on Shizuo’s hard on. He could feel himself throbbing against his hand. Almost as hard as he could feel Izaya throbbing against his tongue.

“Shizu-” Izaya struggled to even say his name, pulling a little at the blond hair in his grasp. “Don’t- don’t do that-” He warned in a tone that was more like pleading.

“Why, does it feel good, Izaya-kun?” Shizuo purred, nipping at the flea’s hipbone before returning to lavishing attention on his cock. His captive writhed under him, desperately tossing his head in denial.

Izaya must not be very familiar with blow jobs- a selfish part of Shizuo hoped he wasn’t very familiar with any kind of sex. But he could tell that the end was coming fast for the informant- he clearly didn’t have the experience to try to ward it off.

One of the hands left his hair, and Shizuo was almost mindless enough to not care. But Izaya whimpered and cringed and gold eyes darted to the side to see his sharp thumb digging into one of his new cuts, using the pain to fend off his release.

Shizuo’s vision was red- and he was pretty sure it was from rage and not from the blood that bubbled to the surface of Izaya’s skin. Abandoning his erection, he grabbed both of Izaya’s wrists again, lurching forward to pin them above his head. The shift left their hips pressed together while Shizuo glared down at the wide eyed info broker.

“Sh-Shizu-chan-” The blond thrust his hips down, grinding his cock against Izaya’s wet crotch. The force and friction of the action stole a long yelp from Izaya’s throat, but it didn’t soothe Shizuo’s wrath. Not yet.

He continued with the motion, driving short, desperate noises from his prey that slowly let him forget his anger. But it wasn’t until Izaya let loose a broken cry and Shizuo felt warmth explode on his belly that he was really appeased.

Collecting both wrists in one palm again, Shizuo reached down to finish himself off. He buried his teeth in the raven’s neck, muffling his growl at his own release into Izaya’s skin. The informant whined, squirming as Shizuo’s cum joined his own splattered across his stomach. His face was pinched, and at first Shizuo thought it was because he was disgusted.

But then the tears started falling.

“Wha- what the fuck, are you crying?” Shizuo demanded, jerking back up to a sitting position. Izaya desperately turned his face away, into the crook of his arm. But the blond wasn’t having it, grabbing the flea by his jaw to turn him back. “You are! What the hell, why are you crying?!”

“Let me go!” Izaya snarled, trying to pull away from the debt collector.

“You should have told me to stop if you really wanted me to!” Shizuo yelled, panic rising in his chest. Did he just…rape Izaya? Was he a rapist now? Was that Izaya’s intention all along, by not stopping him?

“I didn’t want you to stop…” Izaya’s shameful whisper interrupted Shizuo’s fretting. But it didn’t exactly explain anything.

“Then why are you…” Izaya was crying harder now, hiccups wracking his already shaking form. With a sigh, Shizuo collected the informant in his arms and carried him over to his bed. The flea had a nice bed- way better than Shizuo’s dingy futon. He felt out of place curling up on the plush mattress with the man he supposedly hated more than anyone.

But Izaya was crying, and Shizuo wasn’t going to just walk away after what he’d done. He curled around the shivering raven, wrapping his arms around his foe and tucking his face in the crook of his neck.

It took a long time, but Shizuo could tell when Izaya eventually fell asleep against him. His breathing was still shaky and stuffed up, but it was deeper and slower. Shizuo didn’t pull away, or stop rubbing a soothing hand up and down the flea’s back. Even though the little shit was asleep he couldn’t…wouldn’t leave him.

Nothing had been resolved. If anything, it had gotten more fucked up. Shizuo shouldn’t have done what he did, even if Izaya wanted it. It had only made things more complicated. He shuddered to imagine what the morning would be like.

But he couldn’t exactly take it back now. And he wasn’t going to run away from it. He wasn’t Izaya, after all. He’d just go to sleep, and let things happen as they were supposed to. He was certain that was the right course of action.

It had absolutely nothing to do with how warm and comfortable he felt curled up with Izaya in that moment. Not at all.

///

Shizuo woke up with a pressure on his chest. Not in a metaphorical sense, either. He blinked crusty eyes open to see Izaya sitting on top of him, knees pinning his arms to his side and a knife held to his throat.

All that was missing was the rage he’d been expecting. Because instead of anger, there was coldness on Izaya’s face. Icy blankness that sent shivers down the debt collector’s spine.

“Good morning to you too.” Shizuo droned, earning himself a frown and more pressure to the knife against his throat.

“Why did you do that? Last night.” Izaya demanded, skipping any kind of teasing and going straight for the heart of the issue. Unfortunately for the both of them, Shizuo didn’t have an answer for him.

“I don’t know.” He admitted begrudgingly. Izaya was not having it.

“Not good enough.” He hissed, digging his nails into Shizuo’s shoulder. It didn’t hurt- it probably hurt Izaya more than it hurt Shizuo. But that was almost worse in Shizuo’s opinion.

“Look I really don’t know, it just happened!” He tried to insist. He could throw Izaya off himself at any time. But he didn’t think that would help the situation. So he’d have to try to calm the raven first. “It was probably my beastly instincts, okay?” Izaya’s nose scrunched unhappily.

“No. Not good enough.” He repeated, his voice trembling.

“What do you want me to say, Izaya?” Shizuo demanded, borrowing Izaya’s own words from their argument the night before. The raven pursed his lips, pressing the knife almost hard enough to draw blood from his neck.

“The truth! Why did you do it?!” He yelled.

“I don’t fucking know, Izaya!” Shizuo roared right back. Izaya’s shaking spread to his hands. It would be all too easy to bat them away. He probably wouldn’t even get a scratch out of it. But before he could put much thought into it, the knife was gone. It’s press vanished from his skin- but only to settle against Izaya’s skin instead.

“Tell me!” He snarled, his hands shaking so badly that the blade drew a line of blood down the side of his throat. Shizuo could honestly say he’d never been scared of Izaya. Never, until that moment.

“Izaya just…calm down-”

“No! You don’t get to tell me that, after what you did! The only thing you get to tell me is why you did it!”

“I told you, I’ve told you already! Let go of the knife, Izaya!” Shizuo was practically pleading. It only made things worse, based on the grimace and thicker line of blood that dripped down Izaya’s skin.

“N-No…it didn’t mean anything, did it.” He sniffled, catching Shizuo even more off guard. “Just beastly instinct.” He sounded fucking miserable. Why the fuck did that hurt so much for Shizuo to hear?!

“Look, Izaya, I don’t want you to hurt yourself. Please drop the knife.”

“Why? Why should I? It’s not like I fucking matter. I’ve never fucking mattered.” He choked out, his knuckles going white with the force of holding his knife. Shizuo could tell there was the potential for serious devastation in that hand. If he wanted to- or if he even just lost concentration- he could cut the side of his neck right open. He could bleed out, long before Shinra arrived to save him. He could die.

“Please Izaya, you could die.” He insisted, trying to snap the raven out of it.

“Oh no, what a tragedy. One less parasite running around.” Izaya drawled dryly, rolling his eyes. Shizuo frowned.

“Shut the fuck up! I’ll never forgive you if you die!”

“Why?! Why do you fucking care? Why did you come here last night? Why did you-” He stopped short, sucking in the words to keep them from passing his lips. But the dry stain on his stomach was a statement in and of itself. They both flushed as they glanced down at it.

“I…I don’t-”

“Don’t fucking say you don’t know!” Izaya snapped, nicking himself again in his vehemence. Shizuo cringed, wanting to reach out and stop him. But it would only egg Izaya on, he was convinced.

“I don’t know how to say it!” Shizuo amended himself, and it at least got the raven’s attention. “I don’t…know how to talk to you. I never have.”

“Join the club, Shizu-chan.” Izaya sneered, sniffling again right after. “People either don’t know how to talk to me, or just don’t care. Mostly the second, as you might imagine. Who cares about a worthless flea, after all?”

Shizuo’s jaw hurt he was clenching it so hard. But even the force of his teeth grinding together couldn’t keep the truth from tumbling out of his throat, surprisingly not only Izaya, but Shizuo himself. “I care.”

Izaya blinked down at the debt collector, irritation on his face. “Lying isn’t any better than your original ignorance, Shizu-chan.”

“I’m not- listen, you little shit. I don’t exactly get it either, but it makes sense, doesn’t it? Why else would I come here and make such a big deal if I didn’t care? Why would I…blow you if I didn’t like you in at least some way? I don’t love you or whatever, but I do care about you obviously. I care enough to want you to stop fucking hurting yourself.”

Izaya was trembling again, his eye wide and unseeing as they stared down at Shizuo. Ever so slowly, the blond started to pull his arms out from under the harsh press of Izaya’s knees. And the raven was either too distracted or too unconcerned, because he let him.

“You’re cruel, Shizu-chan.” He finally mumbled.

“Yeah, I am. But not because I’m telling you things you want to hear without meaning them. I do mean it, okay?” He insisted, resting his palms on either of Izaya’s hips. One thumb brushed out to run over a scab still fresh from last night. “I really do want you to stop hurting yourself. And I really do care.”

“That makes no sense.” Izaya’s brow creased, obviously stuck on the concept, unable to work past it. “You hate me. You’ve always hated me.”

“Maybe not. If I hated you, I wouldn’t care about you hurting yourself.” He pointed out.

“You just…don’t want anyone but yourself to hurt me.” Izaya denied.

“I don’t want to hurt you either, Izaya.” The truth rumbled out before he could stop it again. He was doing a pretty good job surprising himself today. And Izaya, he was definitely surprised. “Please, give me the knife.” Shizuo asked, trying to take advantage of Izaya’s shock.

At first the raven’s grip on the knife only tightened. But after a moment his fingers went slack and Shizuo took that as his only invitation. He slowly removed the knife from Izaya’s hand, tossing it out of sight and out of mind before abruptly lurching up to switch their positions. He loomed over the informant, who looked more shocked than ever.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to jump you again.” Shizuo chuckled to himself, enjoying the blush that filled Izaya’s cheeks. “What can I do to help you, Izaya? What kind of help will you accept?”

“What are you talking about?” Izaya blinked, and Shizuo wasn’t sure if he was being evasive or if he was genuinely very confused at the moment.

He decided to err on the side of caution. “The cutting. What can be done to help you stop? Besides me barging into your room and pinning you down. There has to be something.”

“Wha- I never agreed to getting treatment.” Izaya squawked, fidgeting in Shizuo’s grasp once more.

“Izaya. You know I’m not going to give up.” Shizuo deadpanned. Izaya stuck his nose in the air, apparently managing to recover at least a little of his facade.

“Stupid beast.” He muttered, then sighed. “There’s pills. For depression and anxiety and stuff. I could take those I guess.”

“They make pills for that? Why haven’t you been taking them all along?” He wanted to be angry, but he was too busy being hopeful. If there was really something so simple for treatment, Izaya should be able to recover no problem!

“It’s not that easy. You have to get evaluated and usually have therapy and I am not interested in therapy.” Izaya’s disgust with the idea was palpable.

“Oh. Well that’s fine, you can go see Shinra. He can get you pills right?” The look Shizuo got for this nearly made anger bubble up inside of him again. But he swallowed it down, returning Izaya’s unimpressed ire with his own scowl.

“I am not going to Shinra for this. I’ll go to an actual fucking doctor. Just…not a shrink. I won’t go to a shrink.” There was probably some baggage there, but Shizuo didn’t have it in him to try to sort through it right now. Not when he was kinda winning, and there was the chance for it to come crumbling down if he tried poking and prodding. Instead he nodded.

“Okay. Fine.” He agreed, surprising Izaya again with the easy acceptance. “I’ll…be here, if you want to use me as a shrink.”

The informant was quiet, something nervous and confused filling his face. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that I’m here for you.” The confusion didn’t fade at all. “I’m not gonna abandon you to go through this alone. Not when I’m the one forcing you to go through it.” Shizuo stated proudly. The pride faltered when Izaya only looked more confused.

“But you…when you came here last night you hated me.”

“And now I don’t. I mean, I’m still not crazy about you- you’re shitty and you need to treat other people better. But you’re going through bad shit, and you have been for a long time. I guess that makes some things make sense. Though you definitely need to fix your personality as a whole.”

“Gee thanks.” Izaya huffed, rolling his eyes.

“The point is, I’ll help you with that stuff. If you want. So you don’t have to go through it alone.”

Izaya looked away from him sharply. For a moment, Shizuo worried he’d upset the raven. But the line of water building in the informant’s eyes put him at ease. Izaya was just emotional- way more emotional than he’d ever voluntarily let anyone see. The only reason Shizuo was seeing it was because he actually refused to let him hide it anymore.

He wouldn’t let Izaya hide anymore. They were going to face this monster of his together. Whether Izaya liked it or not.

“Shizu-chan is so cruel.” Izaya sniffled. Shizuo chuckled deep in his chest, leaning down to press his lips against the bruise left from the first bite he’d made.

“Yeah, I am. But only because I care.” He murmured into Izaya’s neck.

He counted it as progress that this time, Izaya only gasped. He didn’t deny it. He didn’t try to insist otherwise. He gasped and arched against Shizuo as the blond licked gently at the bruises he created.

“I care, Izaya.” He repeated softly, and Izaya wrapped his arms around his neck to hold him there.

Damn, if this was the way Izaya was going to react, Shizuo would tell him he cared every single day. Especially since he was certain it was something Izaya needed to hear.

And it was something he wanted to say. Over and over, until the raven believed him.

Maybe, in time, he’d be able to say even more than that too.

///

The building Izaya went to for his doctor visit was way different than the hospital Shizuo was well acquainted with as a child. Granted, Shizuo had only ever seen the outside of it, but still. It was…different.

There wasn’t as much of a sterile atmosphere to the short, wide building in front of him. It wasn’t dirty at all, but it didn’t look like a hospital. Probably because it wasn’t a hospital. But it was still a medical complex! He thought it would at least have a little bit of a doctor’s office feeling to it.

Instead he felt like he was waiting for Izaya to stroll out of an interview or something. It was unsettling.

When the raven did finally walk through the doorway, he looked just about as unsettled as Shizuo felt. But he didn’t hesitate to walk straight up to the blond. “What are you doing here?” He asked, avoiding eye contact with the debt collector.

“You said last night that you had an appointment today.” He shrugged, stubbing out his cigarette and tossing the butt into the trashcan he was beside.

“You didn’t have to come.” Izaya grumbled. Shizuo rolled his eyes, patting the raven on his head.

“Well I did. How did it go?”

Izaya pulled a piece of paper out from his pocket, waving it around a little. “Thirty minutes of paperwork, five minutes of face to face, and twenty minutes with reception all for this little slip of paper. And it’s not even a high dose. Not to start out, anyway. I’m supposed to go back in a month to see if I need it adjusted.”

“Sounds like a fun time.” Shizuo snorted. Izaya scowled at him.

“Yeah and whose fault is it I’m doing this shit?” He muttered, poking the debt collector in his chest. Shizuo snatched his wrist, turning it so he could plant a kiss on the inside of his arm. Most of the scars on the lower parts of Izaya’s arms were faded. They were the first ones, back in junior high, before he’d adapted for discretion’s sake. But Shizuo could still see them.

“I’m glad you actually went through with your appointment. I’m glad you’re getting help.” He whispered to Izaya, who flushed red even as he kept his face at an icy blank.

“Whatever.” He grumbled. Shizuo chuckled again, pulling the informant close to his side to tote him along as he started walking.

“I think we should go to Russia Sushi. As a congratulations.” He suggested. Izaya sighed, syncing his steps to Shizuo’s to make it a little easier to follow the blond’s pace.

“Fine, but I need to stop by a pharmacy first.” He muttered, waving the prescription in Shizuo’s face again. Shizuo swatted him away.

“You’ll come back for the next appointment, won’t you?” He asked almost nervously. Izaya was silent for a long moment that did nothing to help Shizuo’s nerves. But then he nodded.

“Yeah. If I have to.” He sighed. Shizuo smiled to himself.

“Good. I’m glad.” The admittance didn’t sting as much as he thought it would. But it definitely helped that Izaya was so flustered by the sentiment.

Shizuo kept Izaya tucked into his side for a few minutes of silence before shifting to just hold his hand instead. He thought the space might make Izaya feel a little better, since he’d been so uncomfortable throughout the day. So he was surprised when the informant naturally gravitated close to him again.

“Thanks. For being there when I came outside.” He begrudgingly mumbled. Shizuo felt his own cheeks warming.

“Of course.” He squeezed the hand in his own. Izaya squeezed back.

Neither of them seemed very concerned with the eyes they drew. And neither seemed to worry about the gasps around them when they shared a soft kiss at the corner of the street. They didn’t even care that Simon was speechless as he watched them disappear into Russia Sushi.

All that mattered to Izaya was that Shizuo was there for him. And all that mattered to Shizuo was how sweet the air smelled that day.

He was hopeful that it would only smell sweeter with time. He’d wait as long as it took for the day he woke up beside Izaya and didn’t smell any blood at all. That would be the day he leaned in, kissed the raven, and whispered a soft, ‘I love you’. Hopefully by then, Izaya would be able to smile and return it without a second thought.

It was all Shizuo ever wanted for them. It was what he waited for, day after day. Visit after visit. As long as it took.

He would wait forever if he had to.

**Author's Note:**

> Please, if you know someone who’s struggling with self-harm, DO NOT confront them the way Shizuo confronts Izaya in this fic. As someone who’s struggled with self-harm for nearly ten years now, this would not be helpful at all. If anything, it would be damaging. I wrote the confrontation in this fic not because I approve of the way Shizuo confronts Izaya- but because I felt that was the way it would happen between them. I was aiming for immersion, not accuracy.   
> If you know someone suffering with mental illness and/or self harm and want to know a good, healthy way of confronting them, feel free to reach out and I’ll try my best to help you and them. But please, please do not follow Shizuo’s example. Violence and coercion are not the way to make a positive change!  
> And if you’re the one struggling, please reach out- either to me, or to one of the numbers I’ve listed below. I know it’s hard, and it doesn’t feel like it’ll get better. Maybe you don’t even want it to get better. (trust me, I’ve been there). But please, please know that you are loved and there are people who hurt for you and want you to get better. I love you, okay!  
> Thanks for reading, I hope I didn’t trigger anyone too badly! I love you all, beautiful readers! I hope everyone has a beautiful, healthy rest of their day/night!  
> Self-harm Hotline- 1-800-273-TALK  
> Suicide Hotline- 1-800-SUICIDE  
> Crisis Text Line- Text CONNECT to 741741 (I've used this on many occasions, it's confidential and free)  
> Be safe!


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